Saturday, April 28, 2012

As If Bend Didn't Suck Hard Enough, Now We Have Hipsters

In a previous post I wrote about some of the poseurs who inhabit Bend, notably including the "elite athlete" poseurs. Unfortunately I neglected to mention one of the more obnoxious breeds of poseur that has started to infest this town in the past five or six years or so: the hipster.

Hipsters can be identified by, among other things, their tight black jeans, their Chuck Taylor sneakers, their abundant tattoos and their fondness for bicycles (single-speed, preferably) and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, or "PBR" or "Peeber," as they call it. The last item alone tells you how execrable their tastes are. When I was starting to drink beer many years ago in New Jersey, Pabst was what you drank when nothing else was available. And it hasn't gotten better.

Hipsters have no visible means of support; it's suspected that most of them are living off trust funds. They spend their days hanging out in coffee shops surfing the Web on their iPads or MacBooks (they would never dream of owning a non-Apple product) or texting other hipsters on their iPhones (or calling their parents to ask them to send more money).

How hipsters spend their nights is something I don't know and don't want to know.

Portland is hipster heaven, as anybody who's watched the excellent comedy series "Portlandia" knows. The hipsters of Bend possibly are an overflow from Portland. It is to be hoped the climate here will prove too cold for them and they'll migrate elsewhere.

Meanwhile, for your entertainment and edification, here's a video to help you understand the Evolution of the Hipster from earlier species, including the beatnik and the hippy:

Sunday, April 22, 2012

The Bullshit Goes On Forever

I couldn't resist re-posting verbatim the first item from The Bulletin's "Yesterday" column, a compilation of stories and other material from 100, 50 and 25 years ago that appears every Sunday.

Why should a Bend man smile?

Because: Substantial, permanent brick and stone buildings costing more than $70,000 have been built within the last month, are under construction or will be commenced within a month.
Because: There is more home-building, more attractive residences being erected here, than in any town of Bend’s size in Oregon.
Because: Two first class railroads are operating in Bend, and Bend has the best warehouse and terminal facilities of any town east of the Cascades.
Because: The distributing business of Bend is growing every day, making this the most important railroad point in the interior.
Because: Bend has a brick yard with modern machinery and an inexhaustible supply of splendid clay, which can supply cheaply the best of building materials for a large city.
Because: Bend has a creamery making a permanent market for all farmers of this territory for their milk and cream and giving the most valuable kind of impetus to agricultural development.
Because: Bend has the only ice plant in the interior, ensuring the town the best to be had in this line and meaning that money from other towns will come here for the Bend made product.
Also, there are many, many other reasons why Bend boosters should smile.
These are just a few — if your neighbor looks glum, remind him that the next year will see even more smile-makers than have the past twelve months.
Where now are those "two first-class railroads," that brick yard, that creamery? Gone with the cat-piss-scented high desert breeze, alas.
A century later Bendites brag about our plentiful microbreweries, our many miles of mountain bike trails and the four-year university that we're going to have any decade now instead of our ice plant and our "splendid clay," but the relentless rah-rah tone has never altered. And I'm sure it never will.
The timber may be gone, the ranching may be gone, the real estate boom may be gone, but the supply of bullshit is inexhaustible.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Blog Is Prettier But the Weather Still Sux

As you can see, I have adopted a new design template for the blog. I figure it's the only way I'm going to get to see a blue sky before the middle of June or thereabouts.

Starting on March 10, Bend has experienced 39 days of almost continuous suck. Specifically, we have seen only 11 sunny or partly sunny days during that whole period, with clouds and/or rain and/or snow and/or wind on most of the other 28 and temperatures generally reaching only the 40s to mid-50s.

Temperature-wise, March yielded only three "tolerable" days (high of 60 or above) and all of those came in the first 10 days of the month -- lending credence to the old Bend proverb: "March comes in like a lamb and goes out like a Tyrannosaurus Rex."

March Totals:
Comfortable Days: 0
Tolerable Days: 3
Cold Days: 28

YTD Totals:
Comfortable Days: 98
Tolerable Days: 63
Cold Days: 174

Sunday, April 1, 2012

They'll None of Them Be Missed

Since this appears to have turned into Mikado week, here's Ko-Ko the Lord High Executioner with an updated version of "I've Got a Little List." I'm H. Bruce Miller, and I approve this message.