Sunday, November 9, 2008

Deep Into the Suck

Ah, it is now early November, and Bend weather is in glorious full-on sucky mode -- cloudy, gray, cold, drizzly, gloomy. It will stay like this until mid-June or so.

We typically get a break in the sucktacular weather in mid-February, which fools all the locals into thinking it's Spring so they break out the shorts and T-shirts and Birks. And then The Endless Bend Winter clamps down again.

I have found the best way to deal with Bend's sucky winter is to not fight it or deny it. Stop pretending that this is The Oregon Sunbelt. (Well, actually it is -- but that's like saying someplace is "The Siberian Banana Belt.") Coccoon with a cheerful fire, lots of good books, music, DVDs, video games or whatever's your pleasure, and wait for the arrival of Spring. (It WILL get here eventually, trust me.)

What's really aggravating are the nimrods who try to pretend that Bend's winter isn't sucky, or -- even worse -- that they LIKE cold, gray, dreary, drizzly, dismal weather. NOBODY likes that kind of weather. Anybody who says he does is lying to you or to himself or both.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Autumnal Suckquinox

Today is the autumnal equinox, or as we call it in Bend "the autumnal suckquinox," which marks the official arrival of fall, which in Bend means the start of nine straight months of truly sucktacular weather.

The Sucky Season is off to an appropriate start here, drizzly and 52 degrees. The tourists have all fled our little mountain "paradise," and the handful of would-be emigrants from California who are still foolish enough to think about moving here have turned tail and headed back for the state line as fast as their Beemers and Lexi will carry them.

Actually the sun peeked out from behind the soggy blanket of clouds for about three and a half minutes at approximately 3:30 p.m., so this will be recorded as one of our "300 days of sunshine." Yippee!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Our Suckalicious Sunshine

One of the more egregious bits of propaganda promulgated to deceive the unwary would-be emigre into believing Bend does not suck is the claim that our Paradise in the Cascades enjoys "300 days of sunshine a year."

In point of fact, Bend enjoys 365 days of sunshine a year (366 in leap years) -- if you define a "day of sunshine" as "any day in which the sun rises above the horizon."

But if, like most folks, you define a "day of sunshine" as "a sunny day" or "a day when the sun shines most of the time," the picture is not quite so bright.

For a more realistic idea of Bend's sunniness, go to the web site, enter "Bend Oregon" and look at the little chart labeled "Sunshine."

The dark green line is the percentage of daily sunshine in Bend, charted by months. The pale green line is the US average percentage of daily sunshine. You will notice that the dark green line (Bend) is well below the pale green line almost every month of the year. The only period in which the Bend line is at or above the national line is a brief period from mid-July to mid-August.

In Bend, we call this period "summer."

Why does Bend suck so hard when it comes to sunniness? It isn't hard to understand. It's true that Bend doesn't get much rain -- look at the precipitation chart at and you'll see Bend is well below the national average in every month. But "dry" doesn't necessarily equal "sunny." What happens is that storms sweep in from the Pacific and drop all their moisture on the west side of the Cascades. By the time the clouds get over the mountains they're dried out. But we still get the clouds.

So Bend's sucky climate is a lot like Portland's, only drier. And a lot colder. But we'll describe that particular aspect of Bend's suckiness in a future post.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Welcome to Bend Sux

Welcome to Bend Sux, the first blog dedicated to the proposition that Bend, Oregon really, truly, deeply and profoundly sucks.

Our mission here at Bend Sux is threefold:

First, to counter all the public relations bullshit about Bend spewed out by the chamber of commerce, the tourism industry, the real estate industry and the local media.

Second, to discourage people who are thinking about moving to Bend from taking that fatal step by letting them know that, despite all the public relations bullshit, Bend actually sucks.

Third, to give support, comfort and solace to Bend citizens who have known in their guts for a long time that Bend sucks but have been afraid to admit it and/or say it. Yes, our brothers and sisters, Bend really, truly DOES suck.

In the weeks ahead we will be setting forth our own views on the many, many ways in which Bend sucks. But we also need to hear from you.

Have you personally experienced the suckitude of Bend, either as a resident or a visitor? Do you have insights into why and how Bend became so sucky? Please share them with us.

Let the suckfest begin!