Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Suckily Mysterious and Deadly Bend Parking Garage

Original Architect's Sketch
for the Bend Parking Garage

Today we’re going to explore the mystery of the Bend Parking Garage.

There’s not much to designing and building a parking garage, one would think. It’s a plain and functional structure. Basically you’ve got a lot of parking spaces and some ramps for cars to go up and down and some elevators and stairs for people to go up and down. We’re not talking about St. Peter’s Basilica here.

But somehow, Bend managed to fuck it up.

I have used parking garages all over this country and have never encountered one that comes close to Bend’s for being bewildering, confusing, inconvenient, and just generally all-around sucky.

All the other parking garages I’ve seen have big signs telling you what level you’ve parked your car on. Not Bend’s.

Other parking garages have exits that are clearly marked and easy to find. Not Bend’s.

Enter the Bend Parking Garage and you enter a dark, catacomb-like maze of ramps and passageways that seem to go up and down and around and around without any discernible logical pattern.

People have been known to enter the Bend Parking Garage and vanish without a trace. Sometimes their bodies are found years later, mummified by the dry High Desert air, lying in corners where they collapsed from cold, hunger and exhaustion after trying in vain to locate their vehicles.

There should be a quote from Dante posted prominently over each entrance to the structure: "Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate."

I try to avoid the Bend Parking Garage as much as possible. So do all other experienced Bend citizens. We know better.

But I’m publishing this in case you, the reader, are a visitor or a newcomer and might be tempted to venture into Bend’s uniquely suckitudinous parking garage.

Take a word of advice from your old friend Blackdog: Don’t.

Note of Apology: I screwed up (I'm still not sure how) and inadvertently removed a bunch of the recent comments. My sincere apologies for the loss of your fine literary labors.


Anonymous said...


Here precisely is the caution I've been airing for sometime. Personally, I'd have infinitely preferred these days on the FRONT end of Summer ( vice the ass-end? )

Sure, after an abysmal 'summer' just about any non-rain soaked day is welcome! But like any abusive relationship, they are kind to us only when it suits them or their agenda. Not generousity for the sake of generousity?

Down in K' Falls it was very nice. Even running PT was a joy. The evenings were unseasonably warm. But that doesn't mean "we're gettin' back together".

Anonymous said...

Since... and, oh, The Drear is now back in full force and if you don't believe 'me' ( just look out your window! )

Since... and, oh, so many people found "Another Year Without Summer" or... Almost Non-Existent Summer, Late/short/you could hardly notice... Summer so objectionable! I have coined for you a phrase to share w/ your relatives and friends back home, something certainly everyone will find to their liking!

"Semi-Summer" or "Summer Lite" if you prefer?