I have never claimed to be mathematically competent, so I won't offer any excuses for not realizing that with the end of April, the year's temperature record-keeping has been completed and the YTD totals that I posted are, in fact, the totals for the complete year of May 2011 through April 2012.
To recap:
Totals for Year:
Comfortable Days: 103
Tolerable Days: 73
Cold Days: 189
That's a pretty damn dismal performance, especially considering that practically all of the comfortable (above 70) days occurred in July, August and September.
If you live in Bend only during those three months, Bend isn't bad. The rest of the time ... well, I just have to say it ...
Bend Sux.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
April Temperature Report: The Chill Continues
This spring in Bend has been a hell of a lot sunnier and milder than last year's La Nina-afflicted spring, but we're still not likely to challenge Palm Springs.
According to the records of The Weather Channel, Bend logged six comfortable days (high above 70) in April, 10 tolerable days (above 60) and 14 cold days. All but one of those above-70 days occurred during one freakishly warm (for Bend) stretch from April 20 through 24, on two days of which the thermometer even climbed into the 80s.
So far in May Bend has recorded eight 70-plus days, but the weather has reverted to its gray and chilly "spring" norm. So unless things warm up in a hurry -- which, according to the forecast, is not likely -- we probably won't surpass 120 comfortable days on the year.
April Totals:
Comfortable Days: 5
Tolerable Days: 10
Cold Days: 15
YTD Totals:
Comfortable Days: 103
Tolerable Days: 73
Cold Days: 189
According to the records of The Weather Channel, Bend logged six comfortable days (high above 70) in April, 10 tolerable days (above 60) and 14 cold days. All but one of those above-70 days occurred during one freakishly warm (for Bend) stretch from April 20 through 24, on two days of which the thermometer even climbed into the 80s.
So far in May Bend has recorded eight 70-plus days, but the weather has reverted to its gray and chilly "spring" norm. So unless things warm up in a hurry -- which, according to the forecast, is not likely -- we probably won't surpass 120 comfortable days on the year.
April Totals:
Comfortable Days: 5
Tolerable Days: 10
Cold Days: 15
YTD Totals:
Comfortable Days: 103
Tolerable Days: 73
Cold Days: 189
Friday, May 11, 2012
Bend Sudorphobia*
I returned Wednesday evening from a five-day trip to New Orleans, where I had a swell time wandering around, taking photos, visiting museums, eating in fine restaurants, drinking in fine (and not so fine) bars, listening to jazz and soaking up the local color, which was present in abundance.
This was my first visit to the Crescent City, and before I went my friends warned me about the horrible heat and humidity I would encounter. As it turned out, there was nothing at all horrible about the New Orleans weather in early May. In fact I considered it just about perfect -- sunny (except for a couple of thunderstorms that brought torrential, but brief, rain) with highs in the mid-80s. The humidity was noticeable, but not (to me) oppressive. I thought it actually made the air feel pleasantly soft -- unlike Bend's cold and bone-dry air, which rasps at your skin and sinuses like sandpaper.
Did I sweat? Yes, a little. But so what? Sweat is not fatal. It's not even all that uncomfortable, at least to me. You sweat, you take a shower, you're not sweaty anymore. It's no big deal.
But to many people in Bend, sweating is a really big deal. They dread it as much as catching the Ebola virus.
The first day of my stay in New Orleans I posted on Facebook that the weather there was 83 degrees and humid, but that I'd take those conditions any day over 40 degrees and snowing, which was the situation in Bend when we left.
"You'll get over that quickly," one of my Bend friends responded.
"Get over what?" I asked. "Not liking snow and 40 degrees in May? Nope, don't think so."
"Vs. heat, humidity and mosquitoes?" the friend said.
"Yes," I said.
To which I will now add: "Fuck yes."
*A word I made up based on sudor, the Latin noun for sweat.
This was my first visit to the Crescent City, and before I went my friends warned me about the horrible heat and humidity I would encounter. As it turned out, there was nothing at all horrible about the New Orleans weather in early May. In fact I considered it just about perfect -- sunny (except for a couple of thunderstorms that brought torrential, but brief, rain) with highs in the mid-80s. The humidity was noticeable, but not (to me) oppressive. I thought it actually made the air feel pleasantly soft -- unlike Bend's cold and bone-dry air, which rasps at your skin and sinuses like sandpaper.
Did I sweat? Yes, a little. But so what? Sweat is not fatal. It's not even all that uncomfortable, at least to me. You sweat, you take a shower, you're not sweaty anymore. It's no big deal.
But to many people in Bend, sweating is a really big deal. They dread it as much as catching the Ebola virus.
The first day of my stay in New Orleans I posted on Facebook that the weather there was 83 degrees and humid, but that I'd take those conditions any day over 40 degrees and snowing, which was the situation in Bend when we left.
"You'll get over that quickly," one of my Bend friends responded.
"Get over what?" I asked. "Not liking snow and 40 degrees in May? Nope, don't think so."
"Vs. heat, humidity and mosquitoes?" the friend said.
"Yes," I said.
To which I will now add: "Fuck yes."
*A word I made up based on sudor, the Latin noun for sweat.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Everything's Coming Up Rainbows and Unicorns
I'm thinking about asking the city council to pass a resolution making this the official national anthem of Bend. What could more fittingly express the child-like, smiley-face optimism of Bendites, or their penchant for preferring pretty fantasies -- whether they're about the climate or the city's economic prospects -- to unpleasant facts?
(There are many versions of this song on YouTube; I chose this one because of the singularly idiotic expression of the singer. I suspect he needed surgery on his jaw to enable him to open his mouth that way.)
WARNING! Watching the full two minutes of this video may induce suicidal thoughts and/or actions.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
As If Bend Didn't Suck Hard Enough, Now We Have Hipsters
In a previous post I wrote about some of the poseurs who inhabit Bend, notably including the "elite athlete" poseurs. Unfortunately I neglected to mention one of the more obnoxious breeds of poseur that has started to infest this town in the past five or six years or so: the hipster.
Hipsters can be identified by, among other things, their tight black jeans, their Chuck Taylor sneakers, their abundant tattoos and their fondness for bicycles (single-speed, preferably) and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, or "PBR" or "Peeber," as they call it. The last item alone tells you how execrable their tastes are. When I was starting to drink beer many years ago in New Jersey, Pabst was what you drank when nothing else was available. And it hasn't gotten better.
Hipsters have no visible means of support; it's suspected that most of them are living off trust funds. They spend their days hanging out in coffee shops surfing the Web on their iPads or MacBooks (they would never dream of owning a non-Apple product) or texting other hipsters on their iPhones (or calling their parents to ask them to send more money).
How hipsters spend their nights is something I don't know and don't want to know.
Portland is hipster heaven, as anybody who's watched the excellent comedy series "Portlandia" knows. The hipsters of Bend possibly are an overflow from Portland. It is to be hoped the climate here will prove too cold for them and they'll migrate elsewhere.
Meanwhile, for your entertainment and edification, here's a video to help you understand the Evolution of the Hipster from earlier species, including the beatnik and the hippy:
Hipsters can be identified by, among other things, their tight black jeans, their Chuck Taylor sneakers, their abundant tattoos and their fondness for bicycles (single-speed, preferably) and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, or "PBR" or "Peeber," as they call it. The last item alone tells you how execrable their tastes are. When I was starting to drink beer many years ago in New Jersey, Pabst was what you drank when nothing else was available. And it hasn't gotten better.
Hipsters have no visible means of support; it's suspected that most of them are living off trust funds. They spend their days hanging out in coffee shops surfing the Web on their iPads or MacBooks (they would never dream of owning a non-Apple product) or texting other hipsters on their iPhones (or calling their parents to ask them to send more money).
How hipsters spend their nights is something I don't know and don't want to know.
Portland is hipster heaven, as anybody who's watched the excellent comedy series "Portlandia" knows. The hipsters of Bend possibly are an overflow from Portland. It is to be hoped the climate here will prove too cold for them and they'll migrate elsewhere.
Meanwhile, for your entertainment and edification, here's a video to help you understand the Evolution of the Hipster from earlier species, including the beatnik and the hippy:
Sunday, April 22, 2012
The Bullshit Goes On Forever
I couldn't resist re-posting verbatim the first item from The Bulletin's "Yesterday" column, a compilation of stories and other material from 100, 50 and 25 years ago that appears every Sunday.
Why should a Bend man smile?
Why should a Bend man smile?
Because: Substantial, permanent brick and stone buildings costing more than $70,000 have been built within the last month, are under construction or will be commenced within a month.
Because: There is more home-building, more attractive residences being erected here, than in any town of Bend’s size in Oregon.
Because: Two first class railroads are operating in Bend, and Bend has the best warehouse and terminal facilities of any town east of the Cascades.
Because: The distributing business of Bend is growing every day, making this the most important railroad point in the interior.
Because: Bend has a brick yard with modern machinery and an inexhaustible supply of splendid clay, which can supply cheaply the best of building materials for a large city.
Because: Bend has a creamery making a permanent market for all farmers of this territory for their milk and cream and giving the most valuable kind of impetus to agricultural development.
Because: Bend has the only ice plant in the interior, ensuring the town the best to be had in this line and meaning that money from other towns will come here for the Bend made product.
Also, there are many, many other reasons why Bend boosters should smile.
These are just a few — if your neighbor looks glum, remind him that the next year will see even more smile-makers than have the past twelve months.
Where now are those "two first-class railroads," that brick yard, that creamery? Gone with the cat-piss-scented high desert breeze, alas.
A century later Bendites brag about our plentiful microbreweries, our many miles of mountain bike trails and the four-year university that we're going to have any decade now instead of our ice plant and our "splendid clay," but the relentless rah-rah tone has never altered. And I'm sure it never will.
The timber may be gone, the ranching may be gone, the real estate boom may be gone, but the supply of bullshit is inexhaustible.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
The Blog Is Prettier But the Weather Still Sux
As you can see, I have adopted a new design template for the blog. I figure it's the only way I'm going to get to see a blue sky before the middle of June or thereabouts.
Starting on March 10, Bend has experienced 39 days of almost continuous suck. Specifically, we have seen only 11 sunny or partly sunny days during that whole period, with clouds and/or rain and/or snow and/or wind on most of the other 28 and temperatures generally reaching only the 40s to mid-50s.
Temperature-wise, March yielded only three "tolerable" days (high of 60 or above) and all of those came in the first 10 days of the month -- lending credence to the old Bend proverb: "March comes in like a lamb and goes out like a Tyrannosaurus Rex."
March Totals:
Comfortable Days: 0
Tolerable Days: 3
Cold Days: 28
YTD Totals:
Comfortable Days: 98
Tolerable Days: 63
Cold Days: 174
Starting on March 10, Bend has experienced 39 days of almost continuous suck. Specifically, we have seen only 11 sunny or partly sunny days during that whole period, with clouds and/or rain and/or snow and/or wind on most of the other 28 and temperatures generally reaching only the 40s to mid-50s.
Temperature-wise, March yielded only three "tolerable" days (high of 60 or above) and all of those came in the first 10 days of the month -- lending credence to the old Bend proverb: "March comes in like a lamb and goes out like a Tyrannosaurus Rex."
March Totals:
Comfortable Days: 0
Tolerable Days: 3
Cold Days: 28
YTD Totals:
Comfortable Days: 98
Tolerable Days: 63
Cold Days: 174
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